I sincerely hope I do not have to convince you that my last, quite juvenile correspondence came not from myself but my (occasionally lamentable and tiresome) travelling companion, Ms Judith Pringle. Despite my efforts to conceal the bottle of Tesco’s finest organic sherry I purchased for our Christmas together (ultimately beneath a stretch of loft insulation above the guest bedroom ceiling; an Herculean task I can assure you from a once proud Girl Guide!), she was able to locate and consume its entire contents in one half hour sitting. I believe she then helped herself to the contents of my bureau (possibly looking for the Murray Mints I often keep there) which is when she must have discovered my copy book. My apologies if her misguided and cretinous attempts at humour caused you any upset.

I trust you had a pleasant Christmas and may I take this opportunity to wish you all the best for the new year. If you’re a bit stuck for anything new to do, you may have noticed that Woolworths is closing down. I’d better nip in there quick to snatch a last minute bargain or two if I were you, and before all the orange items go!

Yours truly,

Bunty

Dear Steliospoo

You have a smelly bum!

Merry Christmas! Have a happy Christmas poo!

Bunty Bumble bum bums xxx

It brings no small discomfort to inform you of my recent, and quite unpleasant, Spanish EasyAdventure. Not only was the flight delayed by almost a whole twenty five minutes, but once we finally boarded, a man with a very large red head sat in front of me and soon pushed his seat back, right into my face. It completely spoilt any enjoyment I might have had from my Maeve Binchy novel.

And is there any way to stop undesirable persons from pushing in when boarding, or indeed from travelling at all? I think that the airline could often benefit from a class-tiered seating system, but accept that this would be against its ‘no frills’ ethos. It remains, however, somewhat distressing that one must be so subjected to other people, and especially when on holiday. Perhaps priority tickets could be issued to those with the sense and forethought to arrive promptly, and leave those who do not to duly exercise their lack of consideration in a lottery, or possibly some sort of secluded combat arena.

Yours,

Bunty

P.S. Would it be possible to arrange discounted repatriation for my travellng companion, Ms Judith Pringle? I last saw her in some manner of incoherence and distress in a Toledo synagogue, arguing with a pen and ink sketch of the Aleppo Codex. I have become quite worried since I was forced to leave the town without her.

I’m not on holiday at the moment, but I thought I’d just drop you a little postcard nonetheless. My travelling companion, Ms Judith Pringle, is at a German ladies’ resort researching her next travel guide, and I’m catching the last of the English sun in the garden tending to my dalias. You should come round and see them if you’d like to – they’ve come up beautifully this year.

I do hope you’re well. These must be terribly worrying times for the no-frills low cost airline industry. I had always previously thought that XL was an American airline rather than British. I cannot imagine how large people will travel now it has gone into administration. Perhaps this is a fresh Easy opportunity for you? Easy Jumbo!

Yours,

Bunty

I must apologise for my last message to you. On the last night of our trip my travelling companion, Ms Judith Pringle, purchased some inferior quality Ouzo from, I must say, a rather dubious-looking establishment. I’m afraid it all went a little rather straight to my head as I was composing your postcard! I do hope that you did not find my overly familiar message disrespectful.

Yours sincerely,

Bunty Marr Hyphen Wellington (Mrs)

It has been sometime since I have heard from your Customer Services Department. Perhaps sometime I could visit you to discuss my recent and appreciative musings upon your impressive no-frills package offers in person. We could even share some Feta cheese together if you like. I understand Tesco are currently offering a two for one special.

Yours forever,

Bunty x

It has only recently come to my attention that you were knighted last week. How very exciting! I once met the Queen Mother when she opened a leisure centre here in Morecambe, but I was very young at the time.

I must dash – Judith (my travelling companion) has trapped her finger in a crab!

Yours,

Bunty

It has only recently come to my attention that your name is spelt with one L, and not two.

My sincerest apologies for any affront caused,

Bunty

Dear Stellios,

I was very disappointed to discover that your Easy Jet flying company does not fly to Skye, which is a charming isle north of Scotland. My travelling companion, Ms Judith Pringle and I spent a lovely week there recently, but were most upset at having to seek alternative travel plans when we discovered your services did not extend that far.

Nonetheless we believe very much that this is something you may wish to consider. So, on our last day there, Judith and I awoke bright and early and scouted about the north east coast of the island looking for a suitable location for development. It was Judith took this stunning photograph of a patch of land just screaming out for an Easy runway! I’m sure you agree. Let me know what you think!

Yours, as ever,

Bunty

Dear Stellios,

Have you tried fondue? I really think you should! I attach a piece to this postcard.

Yours,

Bunty